all the kids in the park were running and screaming. it was fun to watch. then i saw the tiger.

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i always thought it would be fun to go into a currency exchange shop with a dead squirrel and say 'i'd like to change this into canadian dollars'. sure some of the people might freak out but there's that odd chance that you'd get an inexperienced teller who wouldn't know how to spot a fake dead squirrel.

this guy came up to me today and said 'who are you talking to' and i looked at him and realized that i was talking out loud to no one. the guy looked at me and rolled his eyes. it could have been worse. like the time i made love to a tree. boy did that party scatter fast.

sometimes when i have a rock in my shoe i don't stop to take it out. i like to challenge myself by seeing how long i can keep it there. it's a mind over matter thing. ok extreme laziness.

last night i did acid and decided to respond to all of my email marked 'please reply asai' as in 'as soon as impossible'.

i always wanted to live in a house on top of a hill. i think it would be nice to wake up watching the sun rise over the city and then throw stuff at people.

when my daughter was being born she sort of got stuck and they had to use the vacuum to pull her out. i can't be 100% certain but i'm pretty sure it's why she hates putting on sweaters.

i think wallpaper made out of dead dogs would be an interesting conversation piece and by interesting i mean the type of wall that you just want to hug. it would be such a cozy room. i'm not sure what the insulating factor of a wall made of dogs is but i'm sure it's up there with moose cock.

i think it would be a good idea to let cows parachute and sometimes i think we could forget to put a parachute in the bag and then when the cow falls to the earth and dies we could eat it. i wouldn't feel to guilty about eating a cow that died in a parachute accident. forgetting to put the chute in the bag i might have a problem with but i would do that when i was drunk and that wouldn't count as a bad thing cause everyone knows that cow parachute preparers should never be allowed to drink. i would blame my boss. what an asshole.

i had an autographed picture of david copperfield and it has vanished. i'm amazed.

it always bothered me that when people drew the sun that they always put a happy face on it. i always thought that instead of a happy face that people should draw the face of a man that had accidentally sawed off his penis. i think it would make people take skin cancer a lot more seriously.

sometimes when i see a dog running down the road and the owner is chasing it I like to pretend that the dog just robbed a store and the store owner is chasing down the thief. then i try to remember what the dog looked like so that i could give a description to the police. other than 'it's was a little dog with big ears' it's really hard go into the specifics of a cocker spaniel.

i used to work in this restaurant and one of my jobs was to make the croutons for the salads. i would take the old bread, cut it into squares, pour garlic butter on them, and grill them. i used to watch the waitresses leave with salads and i pictured the clients eating the salads and saying 'wow these croutons are delicious'. thinking like that made my job very rewarding. other days i thought about taking the head chef and sticking his face into the deep fryer and serving it on a plate of lettuce. those were interesting times.

sometimes i wish the people from CSI would come over just so I could see where all the sperm is.

i had this crazy dream last night that i had no legs and i was in the war. i was the first guy in a wheelchair at the front line and the enemy kept trying to shoot out my tires. i was wheeling back and forth and i could hear the bullets flying over my head and some hit the spokes of my tires. it was a weird dream and i had a hard time falling back to sleep. it was almost as bad as the night i dreamed that i killed bob barker. without bob barker who's going to control the pet population.